November 2011
1 post
Some of the Hardest Questions
One evening, I was sitting at your bedside. Nobody was there except for us. You were in chipper spirits, yet very pensive.
“Mi, how do you think it will be on the other side?”
“Um.. I’m not sure, mom. But maybe we’re not supposed to know? Because, like, if we all found out for sure that it was totally awesome on the other side, we would cheat,...
It's supposed to get easier?
I miss you, mom. A lot. It sounds incredibly lame when I type it out like this, though. Words don’t do ANY justice.
I wish I could just pick up the phone and text or call you. My only outlet is updating this tumblr account each time I want to reach you.
People say it’ll get easier to deal with the fact that you’re gone. But as I slowly regain my strength, it seems like it’s...
August 2010
22 posts
...
Mom, I dreamt that I asked you if you needed anything. But you said you were okay. I hope this is actually the case.
Palpitations
Everything is not fair, mom. Being left behind sucks. It’s just not right that it was just yesterday when we were moving into the house in Brookside. Now I’m packing it up. This is not fair.
I remember you got the house so that we “would always want to come home.” Even if you lived in the old house in Castle Oaks, mom, we still would have come. It wouldn’t matter....
My chest hurts
When I wake up from a nap, a tad sweaty, I wake up suddenly with a start. I look around disoriented.
No, this is not a dream. It’s real. My dearest mother is dead and the house is being packed up.
What a real-life nightmare.
Just when the party was getting started
Mom, tomorrow is your birthday. Well, I guess it would technically be today since you were born jn the philippines and if you account for the time zone adjustment. You would have been 55.
I feel so robbed, mom. Just when things were going well. I loved being able to have an income and then spoil you. I loved finding good quality shampoo like burts bees and non-itchy Bare Escentuals mineral makeup...
Going grey gracefully
You took aging gracefully. You knew how to dress, fix yourself up, hold yourself with poise and regard, and look very professional and respectable.
Pearl earrings, short hair, neck scarves, blazers. I remember you used to “color” your hair in your 40s. But I recall you asking me when I was younger about continuing your hair dyeing. Apparently I was for maintaining natural grey color....
Unfair
Your smile was so bright in pictures of your youth. You were beaming. Radiant and vivacious. I can’t believe your smile never was the same after the thing with dad. It breaks my heart and makes me upset. My irrational side wants to make someone pay for your misfortune. :(
Make it A+
Thank you for building me up. For strengthening my nahkum. For being open minded and letting me pursue my dreams at UC Berkeley. For believing in me, and making me always strive higher.
“Grade A… that is good. Next time, make it A+.”
Ag back-to-back kami, man?
As far back as grade school, I can remember us sleeping “back-to-back.” This was the way I cuddled with you. Strange, yes. But not a bit less comforting.
Whenever there was an instance where we shared a bed, like at our Thanksgiving “getaway” in 2009 where we hung out at Redondo Beach, we always slept on our sides, with our backs pressed up against each other. You always...
The mansion and the monastery
I had dreams related to you three times total, the most recent is accounted for below. The other two times were shortly after your death. A few days after your death, I dreamt of a white, light drenched mansion. There were large arches and windows, the walls were bleached white and the sun was flooding in. There was a sole painting of the Virgin Mary, which might have been about 15 feet tall,...
They say dreams are where they can contact you
I finally dreamt of you again. The three of us were in a car, and I was driving. Manong was talking about his braces and how he intentionally made one bracket color red to make people gawk at his teeth. At this time, he was still in middle school. You were in your red suit with the gold buttons, like in the picture on top of the fridge where you were holding the leaves of the shrub at Castle Oaks....
Soft blankets, luxurious creme comforter
It’s morning again, and I’m again sitting on your bed in your green room. As memories fly by my mind, I scramble to get to my computer or phone to jot down the random memories I have of you. The words you said. The way you looked when you said them, like your facial expressions.
Mornings are the toughest
Mom, I didn’t expect it to be this hard. It’s really difficult. I wake up in this bunk bed in the orange room to the soft whirrr of the A/C, and I keep waiting and expecting to hear the floorboards creak and you call out that breakfast is ready. Or that I would hear you sing. Or hear you washing up. That I would emerge from my room and see you slowly waddling through your room, getting...
Lip collagen in 10 minutes!
We were having some icecream, probably at Baskin Robbins, your favorite (with gelato at a close second, of course).
You had a strange sensitivity to cold temperatures. Just a few spoonfuls and your lips began to puff/inflate! It raised an entertained hubbub among us.
“Whaaaaat the…!”
“Oh crap mom, does it hurt??”
“Mejo… Ha’an met.” ...
My head looked like a wedding cake
High school prom. Got my shimmery green tube dress ready, got my makeup done…. And all that was left was the hair.
Mom brought me to her trusty haircutter person at an Asian barbershop in Stockton. Pins and curler in hand, she diligently worked on my hair for an hour.
Once completed, she spun me around to face the mirror and unveil her final product!
……..
My heart sank. I was...
I want to throw a tantrum.
My mom should be here! :( :( :’(
… But who am I to decide? Everything is always in God’s hands. I hope my mom is, too.
Death
…can be merciful — at the hands of God.
The morning sun brushed against my face.
I could almost still hear your footsteps, creaking on the loose floorboards upstairs, coming up from the kitchen.
“Good morning Momo. Oy.. Ada eggs ken nag loto ak ti mung beans. Mangan kan, tapos na pudot pay.”
[‘hey, there are eggs and I cooked mung beans. Eat now, now that it’s still hot.’]
The house is way too silent now. I don’t hear your sink on, or...
Existence...
… On this earth, in this lifetime, is brutal. You see unjust events, good people suffering, crooked people succeeding, lots of pain, expirations, the limits of the human body. I believe each and every one of us is here for a reason, a mission. And once we complete our mission, it’s time to expire. I believe that our physical existence here on earth is temporary, that earth is not our...
Does heaven receive text messages?
I secretly hope to one day receive another text from you, mom. To simply let me know you’re okay, and whether or not it’s anything like you and I have hypothesized that one afternoon in Pomona.
“Life after death is probably nice. But nobody has ever returned to confirm it. It’s probably best left a mystery… Because if we knew how awesome it was, everyone would cheat...
She was alive the last time I was here..
We arrived at the house. She normally would have come down the stairs to greet us….
“Hi bobo!! …. Em?”
Or wake up from a nap on the loveseat.
My bro and I would pile into the house, making lots of noise, excited to hang with our mom.
“Hai!! Kasla ub-ubing kayu pay!” [translation: ‘ugh! It’s like you guys are still children!’] she would...
May 2010
1 post
Mindless internet noise...
…. makes you dumber.
Brain atrophying? Mind swamped with the noise of your friends’ and acquaintances’ mind numbing status updates, but you habitually check Facebook throughout the day? Do you feel dumber because all you do on the internet is scan and skim the surface of all this info overload as you scroll down page after page?
Me too. And I’m pretty sick of all this...